who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
