My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
