I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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