my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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