Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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