You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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