overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
