Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Me too!
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize