I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
