Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
