I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize