Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
