I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
last night I used snow as a chaser
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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