now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
