I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
