Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm eating all of the evidence.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
