i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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