last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think my fart just growled at me.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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