next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
