You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
