Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
