It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
