i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize