apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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