The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
