mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
