My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
