i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
