If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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