I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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