Cold hands, warm shart.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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