i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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