remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
