On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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