He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
