If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
