Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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