How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
