Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
