i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
