Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize