you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
