Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
smell my finger.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
