I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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