I think scott just propositioned me for sex
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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