I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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