I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
