I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
