Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
