i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Did I show you my penis last night?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
