So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
