I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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