My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
