It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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