I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize