Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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