also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
