sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
