I just pynch a tree in the face
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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