Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
