Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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