Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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